You can pick your friends. And you can pick your butt.

After being on a weeklong+ adrenaline rush, it was wall-hitting time. I’ve been really tired off and on since about February 2001, but today was at a level I didn’t know was even possible with your eyes still open.

I brought a basket of laundry up to fold and looked at it off and on all day. I even got far enough with the key lime pie that I want to bake to pull out the cookbook and open it to the recipe page. I can still see it from where I sit.

I mustered enough energy to turn on the hose and spray off half of the car. And then two spots of bird poop that inexplicably landed on the porch and front door. Now that’s progress.

Then I got a real burst of energy. So I got an estimate put together for a PO for a client, mailed checks out, filled out a sales tax form, reviewed some logos, filled out my expense report, got one of my writers started on a project, followed up on a couple of websites under development. And then I was tired again. (Okay. Pooped. You happy?)

I looked at the hubby and could see his pain. And decided I needed to stop being such a damn wimp. But by the time the phone rang for the 100th time (it was my step-dad, Poppy), I just started to cry. He handled it surprisingly well for someone who — in 28 years of knowing him — I don’t think I’ve ever seen cry. He usually just says something like, “Well.” Today he seemed ready for me, so I unleashed. And he even said he was going to come out here. Later when we are truly at our wit’s end. We talked for over an hour (yet another unheard of feat). And I felt suddenly better.

I know we’ll be okay. I know we both have untapped reserves of strength deep in the recesses (though they appear to be in hiding today). I said to the hubby just now, “I am so sorry. I’m just having a really hard day.” He said, “It’s okay. I think it’s just that we’ve let our guard down for the first time because we’re just in sit and wait mode. We can let ourselves be tired for the first time.” Seriously. And look who’s weeing all over himself now.

Poppy said, “This is one of many to come.” And I know that. I think today I was just really really missing Mima. I need her. I physically crave her. She would be my rock (and Kenny’s) right about now. She’d say just the right thing and say she was praying (and would apologize for it too). Though we can use any and all of it. Even if we are blasphemous sinners who haven’t stepped foot into a church in years. I pray too. Sometimes to the higher power who is bound to be out there somewhere (though they must have been tied up in a meeting. For the last few weeks). And now to Mima. If I could only stop reaching for the phone to give her an update. I’m pretty sure cell service there will be spotty. AT&T or not.

The bright spot in today is the amazing friends who are organizing meals, yard clean up, girl coverage, places for family to stay if needed, errands and vigils over wine even as I write. The other blindingly effervescent bright spot is that the hubby finally got some pain relief today from acupuncture. He told us about it over dinner and Bean said, “He needs to say sorry.” And we said, “Who?” And she shrugged and said, “That guy who stuck dos needles in you.”

Except for all of that incessant crying and lying on the couch staring at the wall, it almost felt like a normal day. Kenny even went somewhere without me today. And worked a full day without interruption. And now I don’t have to watch him grimace in pain every five minutes thanks to those miraculous needles. Welcome to the new normal.

It’s now the little things like, “OH MY GOD, SERIOUSLY???!!! THAT’S SUCH AWESOME NEWS THAT HE WON’T HAVE TO SHIT IN A BAG FOR LIFE!!! ” OMFG.

I’m fairly certain it was Mima who always said, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” Amen to that sister. And if there is any way possible that she can get internet service from the great beyond, she is reading this now. And I fully expect an email from her first thing in the morning that says, “What exactly did you mean by ‘apologize for it too,’ Cassy?” And I’d be right back in deep shit. Just like the old days.


TODAY’S THEME SONG: You. Atmosphere. ...Where'd that smile go?
Better bring it back tomorrow. Now, pick up the pace and you might make [it to] bar close.