Ack. Blech. [Clap-clap].

Ah yes. Last week it was dryer vents with a little mouse-obsession thrown in. This week it’s all about the mice. For real.

Today the mouse guy came. The hubby decided that the optimal time to have said guy show up would be on a FRIDAY when I am at home with the girls underfoot. And on one of the two FRIDAYS a month while our dear house cleaner is here too. He also scheduled it smack in the middle of lunch-and-down-to-nap time. He’s such a dear.

So I sent the girls off to play in their rooms while I got to get the grand tour of the mouse kingdom that our garage —and possibly our house— has become. I got to see mouse DROPPINGS and mouse URINE and mouse CHEW MARKS and mouse NESTS and mouse RIPs. I was seriously gagging and choking down that familiar bile that loves to make itself comfortable in the back of my throat when nastiness comes to town.

As we suspected, they had been digging through the wall in the garage and making their way SOMEWHERE STILL TO BE DETERMINED. “Yep. They could be in the walls.” Ack. (That’s my gag noise.) They had feasted mightily on the main wires that power our house. Down to the metal. And had made a freakin’ mess of things in the garage with birdseed we didn’t even know we had in there.

The best part? The hubby followed through on a threat to pack up toys if bean didn’t pick them up and decided to put the bag IN THE GARAGE. So as the mouse guy is pulling things out to get the full picture, I see that some of bean’s most favorite things are now covered in mouse pee and poop. (Hello, bile, is that you?)

It also appears that all of our outdoor furniture cushions have been in that same vicinity as we fastidiously took them in to protect them from THE RAIN. We damn near had to throw everything we own in the garage away. For fear of hantavirus and well, just pure NASTINESS. I still have so much stuff to wash on the sanitize cycle that my head is spinning along with the washer drum. At least the dryer is working better.

And during said tour, mouse guy decides he’d better check in the utility closet behind the furnace. He calls me over and says, “I need you to see something.” I should’ve known better. But. I stick my head right in while he shines the light upon a little mummified mouse body. I nearly cracked my skull on the closet wall trying to escape. He grabbed my arm to steady me because he thought I had knocked myself out. I think I could’ve gone my whole life without needing to see that.

So we’re in full assault mode. Trying to rid ourselves of the invaders. And my squeamish side is all up in there. About to barf just writing this down. I really, really can’t stand filth and right now I feel like I’m covered in something. Head injury aside.

We’re taking back the keys to the kingdom. You hear me, rodents?

TODAY’S THEME SONG: Missed the Boat. Modest Mouse. ...Of course everyone goes crazy over such and such and such. We made ourselves a pillar, we just used it as a crutch...